May 4, 2013

Lainie and Ian RIP 9/2011- 4/2013 My farewell.

I swear I do not know how much more my damaged heart can handle.  I fought so hard for this relationship.  Against all of the odds and all the obstacles, I really loved this man and wanted with all of my heart for it to work.  There was just too much in the way.  Too much baggage we both brought to it and without ever taking the time to learn to talk to each other in an effective way - we were doomed.

We broke up three weeks ago yet he has still been living with me until my rental property next door is free and clear for him to move in. IT IS KILLING ME. I am so crushed and devastated with my heart and mind in shambles.  All I want to do is cry and scream and be fucking sad and not get out of bed for a week and I can't do any of that because he is still here.  I am seriously frayed at all of my edges.  I am so restless in my own skin.  I want to fuck the shit out of him, I want to scream at him, I want to beg him for another chance, I want him completely out of my life and to never lay eyes on him again, I want to hold him and kiss his face and run my hands through his hair. I am upset that he hasn't moved out yet- but when I see him packing up-that upsets me too.  I am a fucking mess.  It is taking the greatest will power ever to keep from balling my eyes out constantly and remain grounded when he is around.  I know that there is nothing I can do or say to change the course of action here so I am just trying to keep it together until I can be miserable in solitude.

I am 100% guilty of seeing all of the potential we had- and I longed for that.  I longed for a life with Ian where we made art and traveled and loved and laughed.  I wanted to have days where he played music and I made art at the table while listening.  I wanted to collaborate. I wanted to see new places and do new things with this man. I was really looking forward to sitting next to him on my computer while he was on his and play video games with him.  I know that might seem stupid to some of you, but I had been waiting for him to build me this bad ass computer so that we could do just that very thing. I wanted to be this man's best friend, confidant, lover, partner in crime.  I wanted our two worlds to combine into something that was solid and healthy and strong.

That is not to say that I wanted him all to myself.  I just wanted us to be the center, the sticking point, and everything and everyone else would circle around it.  My attitude has always been that you can thrive and flourish in a loving supportive relationship and everything you accomplish is way more gratifying when you have someone to share that with.  A relationship is not ever meant to be stifling- it is meant to be your rock and your safe haven- giving you the support you need to go out and conquer your world.

I tried my damnedest to make things happen.  I tried to plan trips.  I tried to involve myself in his interests.  I tried to talk with him about mine.  I tried to excite him about things.  I tried to explain my desires for our life together.

I was willing to give 100% to creating this for us.  Unfortunately, Ian never saw this potential- either that, or he never wanted it.  Never saw the virtue in it.  I could never get him out of his own head and his own concepts long enough to see the good in it.  To see the good in what I was offering him if he chose it.

We had so much bullshit to contend with from day one.  My roommate Dusten, and all of the drama that came with him.  I hated the salon I was working at and had a lot of drama around that too.  Ian being depressed and not working. Then out of financial necessity I moved my business back into the home which added the stress of not being able to be comfortable in it. The whole Laura thing, then the break up and Polly thing. Both of which caused trust issues on both ends.  Then my looming divorce and potentially losing my home.  I have been struggling with my own identity and what I want to offer the world as far as my career path and schooling- all of which made me feel inadequate and sad a lot of the time.  Ian was struggling with similar life problems- his own divorce and responsibilities, trying to figure out what he wants out of life while dealing with his own depression.  Then his mom dies.

I mean seriously- even two people that were already solid in their relationship would flounder under that kind of stress.  We had it from day one.  We never stood a chance.....

I was holding out- trying to hang on until all of that bullshit settled.  I thought finally when I won my home in the divorce that we could have a fresh start- a new outlook.  Everything else was looking up and like all of the problems were going to be in the past. Even though it is the worst thing ever and you would never want to have a parent die- Ian was going to be financially OK for awhile.  We could finally breathe.  We could finally be better versions of ourselves- versions that were relatively stress free and optimistic. We would finally be able to make progress. I had dreams of our own little artist commune here on my property where we involved other creative people in projects, threw parties, had a veggie garden.....  We could be the dynamic duo.

Ian breaks up with me instead.

  I think he got stuck on certain points and couldn't see beyond them.  Monogamy being one point he stuck on.  I guess because of language used when we were first dating,  he identified me as a steadfast monogamist and felt limited by it.

The god's honest truth is that all I wanted to do was create a solid trusting foundation first.  Build OUR relationship first.  Build communication first. Get that to a place where there were no doubts about our feelings for each other, and where we stood in our relationship FIRST.  THEN if we wanted to open it up to allow others in- so be it.  I don't see how you can be in a successful and mutually gratifying open relationship if you have not established those other crucial things.  If there is no communication, trust or understanding with one person- how do you expect to have it with two or three?  It creates a lot of uncertainty and insecurities.  I don't require monogamy.  I require trust and communication.  I require stability.  I don't want to fuck the same person exclusively forever either- who does?  But I would like to have that person all to myself while we are establishing this foundation.  I think this seems reasonable.  I do tend to think in long term- but that is because I am loyal.  If I have invited you into my life then I am loyal to you.  My loyalty stands the test of time. I make the assumption that as with all relationships, there is an ebb and flow. There will be times when I am not a priority.  There will be times when my partner is not a priority.  If the loyalty and trust is there then you know that you will come back around to each other and will still be strong. It works very effectively in friendships and I believe it is the healthiest way to be in an intimate relationship. It is really hard to put this into words. I just feel like he never understood my point of view on this.

Or more accurately, he never took "us" seriously enough to create this with me.

Which brings in the other major hurdle I could never get past, and the other point he got stuck on.  The part of the nagger/bitch, where I had the starring role.  All I ever said- all my point ever was, was that I wanted to be part of his life.  I wanted to know that I ranked in the list of priorities.  I wasn't asking to be his entire world- I just wanted a place of importance, to share in his world.   I wanted to know that he cared about me.   It is a very hard and unsatisfactory position to be in, when you have to ask someone to spend time with you.    Again- I was not asking for constant attention- I was just asking for what I think most people would consider the average amount of attention one should give someone they are with.  You have to feed energy into it for it to stay alive, much less grow.

I am not trying to say here that Ian was doing anything wrong.  No one is wrong or right here.  It is just a point of major difference in how we both treat relationships.  I tried really hard to compromise on this and ultimately failed.  It is important for me to have that connection, that intimacy with another person in order to be happy within the relationship.  I believe in my heart that Ian tried to be more attentive for me and he failed miserably too.  This is a point where we truly are not compatible. Where as I am sure he cannot see my point of view, I admit whole-heartedly that I cannot see his.  I cannot understand why anyone would want to shun and deny the joy of connection and intimacy with another person.  Love feels amazing to me.  Affection feels amazing to me.  Deep conversations feel amazing to me.  Why would I deny these amazing feelings?  Why would I try to limit them??  I don't get it.  I'm just hard wired differently than him and in the last couple of weeks I have come to peace with it.  There is no wrong doing here.  We just have very different expectations and needs from the people we are closest to.

I believe you can be independent and self sufficient while also giving attention to a committed relationship.  I do not feel that they are mutually exclusive.  I do not believe in losing yourself in another person- but I do believe in the power and joy created by having a partner who supports you emotionally, intellectually, and sexually.

I am the first to admit that I behaved very badly at times.  I was always coming from a place of love and longing for a solution.  It sometimes came through the filter of frustration.  It sometimes came through the filter of anger.  The underlying sentiment was always the same though- I loved him and wanted to figure it out.

I really was his band's number one fan.  I really was HIS number one fan.  I wanted to see him aspire to whatever he wanted to do- whatever he could come up with I would have been there to back him up.  He wants to be a musician? Awesome!  He wants to have a business? Awesome!  I was on board for anything.  He wants to leave me.....well........ I love him enough to let him go.  I love him enough to suck up my broken heart and let him live next door to me in my rental house.  I love him enough to let him go find his happiness somewhere else and if need be, with someone else.  It hurts worse than anything I have felt in a really really long fucking time.  He shattered my heart into a million pieces.

It is hyper painful when you tell someone that you love them, offer your life, heart, dreams, aspirations and fears up to that person- something so much more intimate and special than your body, but oh yes, you offer that up too, and the response you get is that you just aren't worth the trouble.  It isn't enough and it will never be enough.

So now he will be my next door neighbor and tenant.  I owe him a great deal of gratitude for how he went about things.  He really has tried to come up with a solution that works for both of us.  I just need time.  Time to heal and time to get things into perspective.

I don't even know how to be around him right now.  I miss him terribly already and he isn't even gone- but it feels like a wall is up and I can't get around it.  I am a fun loving happy person but I feel like because of life circumstances during the last year I have been pigeon holed into something I am not. I feel misrepresented in his mind.  I don't know how or if I can ever fix that.  I don't know how to come to peace with that.  I have owned my part in everything.  I have apologized.  I have sworn on everything I care about that if given the opportunity I would prove that things are different now that the divorce and other stressers are gone-but none of that matters.  It is a case of too little too late.  Maybe it never really mattered at all one way or the other.  It is really too hard to tell.

I love him so much it hurts it hurts it hurts.