Karma apparently is a bitch

Ya know, I feel that I have been really as cool as an ex-wife can be, if you have to live next door to her.  I stay out of my exe's life- he doesn't even enter into my stream of thought.  We occasionally pass each other in the driveway.  I was warm and welcoming to his new girlfriend when she moved to the property.

The love of money is the root of all evil.  Expecting something for nothing is even worse.

I am grateful for my one little house.  I just want to live my life quietly and peacefully in my humble little house.  I am not greedy.  I am not petty.

Oh but he is.  He wants it all.  He is telling people- mutual friends that he wants me to be homeless and destitute.  He laughs while speaking of such things.  Apparently he is not grateful for his one little humble house- or the fact that for three years he has paid less to live in it than you can rent a single room for in this town.  He sees me as standing between him and living here for free.  Hell, even profiting from it.  His greed and pettiness make me sad.  I pity him.  His hate of me all revolves around money- and his lack of it.  Life is too short and too precious for this.

Then there is Ian, who has made it abundantly clear that I can not and should not count on him.  If I lose my home, he will not be following me if I have to move away from Austin.  He isn't even necessarily willing to continue to live with me even if I stay in town.  We had a serious conversation the other night where he said he thinks it is foolish for two people to plan their lives so intricately together. He said that even though he cares for me, he has a feeling our relationship is getting ready to come to a conclusion, due to the upheaval brought on by my looming divorce.  So while I could really use a partner right now- some since of stability within the chaos- my own boyfriend is not willing to provide it.

 It is difficult for me to be with someone who fundamentally doesn't believe in "love" or the benefits of a committed relationship.  I'm not giving up on him yet- but it has finally sunk in that I will never be truly satisfied in this- I want to give 100% of myself to someone and I want them to not only truly appreciate me, but reciprocate.  I do not believe that you lose yourself in this scenario- I believe you can conquer the world when this happens.  Then again, I am a hopeless romantic. As I exist right now- I am edited down.  Only allowed to give a fraction of what I want to give, and only allowed a fraction in return.  I feel limited.  It feels finite.  It makes my heart hurt.

I am looking for a best friend.  A companion.  Someone to have fun with, sex with, grow with, travel with, learn with, experience all this world has to offer with.  I have so much love to give and it feels like it is all bottled up inside of me.

This has to be the least of my concerns at the moment.  Survival and shelter first.

So, it is the beginning of the end of my life as I know it.  Where I will be when the dust settles is any one's guess.

Thank God for my friends and clients.  They are being so supportive.  Their generosity and kind words are giving me strength and courage to get through this time- easily the most difficult time of my life.

I am wide open.  I am open to the next phase of my life.  I am open to being alone for awhile.  I am open to a new relationship with an emotionally healthy man.  I am open to moving to a new city.  I am open to going home.  I am open to moving to another country. I am open to staying here and keeping my house.  I am open to a new career.  I am open to whatever is for my highest good.  I am riding through this experience, this life lesson, with an open heart and an open mind.  I do not hold fear, animosity, or ill will towards anyone.  Whatever will be will be.

An offer I might not be able to refuse

So, since my whole life seems to be up in the air, and I have no idea where I will be 6 months from now- I am considering all offers and options.  Several of my friends live in Chicago and our suggesting I move there.  Two of them are putting on the hard sell- Alyson has a spare bedroom in a neighborhood with a lot of swanky salons, she said I could live with her until I get on my feet, and Mitch said he would introduce me to everyone in the art world in Chicago.  I am really just trying not to freak the fuck out and stay positive- keep an open mind to whatever comes.

Here is some of Mitch O'Connell's work.  

Rockapocalypse

Last night the world didn't end.  I wasn't invested in the notion but I wouldn't have cared very much if it had.  It was a fun night with friends and music- as are most of my nights.  Last night my friend Peter put together an 8 band line up at Bernadette's Bar.  Ian's band was playing too.  Sandy and Favre came and cheered them on with me.  Afterwards there was a little party at our place, but I fell asleep on the couch- with everyone hanging out around me- I was OUT.  I have not slept well at all since I got served with the divorce papers.  I am just thrilled that my friends didn't play any jokes on me while I was sleeping!

 My handsome man had tracers coming out of his fingers.  Peter had set up the most amazing laser light show and my phone camera was having none of it.

 Peter was awesome!  He had samples and sounds and lights and a smoke machine. Total one man show!

If you watch this video, i would highly recommend muting the volume.  The sound is crap.  It is just a little snippet of the cool lights playing off of Ian that Jason caught on his phone.  I only include it because- well, it is my blog and I love Ian so watching lights play off of him is fun for me.  I don't expect you to understand.

Another fun weekend. Ending the year with good times!

I just woke up.  It is 4:00.  I participated in SantaCon last night.  If you live under a rock and don't know what this is, it is a world wide event- where everyone dresses up like Santa and runs around the streets getting drunk and spreading cheer.  Here are pictures taken yesterday in other places:

Santa in Central Park, New York City

Santa in London, England

Santa in San Francisco, California

also San Francisco, California

So you get the idea.  You don't have to dress like Santa.  You can go as a candy cane, a Christmas tree, a reindeer, Santa's naughty secretary....really as long as your costume is Christmas themed you are good to go.

I spent the entire time following around The Dead Music Capital Marching Band and dancing my ass off.  I have a hard on for marching bands.  I can second line all night long!!!!!!  They were so good!  They played "Here comes Krampus"  (instead of "Here comes Santa Claus")  and they did this impressive mash up of "Hell's Bells" and "Jingle Bells".

I was sexy Misses Claus, I guess that is why I kept getting drinks bought for me. Never under estimate the power of great cleavage!!!  Ian is out of town visiting his family again- I would have rather had him there to dance with than all those other boys.  I missed him last night.  He would have really enjoyed that band.

Before SantaCon, I went to a couple of art shows.  First was Blue Genie.  Blue Genie is so much fun!  Everything is happy and whimsical in this show.

I fell in love with this little top hat!

The mini Santa hat was pretty funny!

Amen!

 Then it was on to The Backyard Art Expo.  It is in Colleen's backyard- and she lives just a few blocks from me.  There was live music and about a dozen artists involved. My friend Edmo was there, as well as Peter.  It was a great time! Of course, I knew it would be because every time there is a cactus decorated in the front yard it is a good omen!

I met a lovely lady named Analy Nakat, who drew this awesome sacred heart.  She is a very talented artist, and she sells her work on Etsy- so look her up!

It has been such a good weekend- and now I am off from work for two weeks!  So if anyone knows of any other art shows or wants to just hang out- shoot me a message or call me.