January 14, 2013

Karma apparently is a bitch

Ya know, I feel that I have been really as cool as an ex-wife can be, if you have to live next door to her.  I stay out of my exe's life- he doesn't even enter into my stream of thought.  We occasionally pass each other in the driveway.  I was warm and welcoming to his new girlfriend when she moved to the property.

The love of money is the root of all evil.  Expecting something for nothing is even worse.

I am grateful for my one little house.  I just want to live my life quietly and peacefully in my humble little house.  I am not greedy.  I am not petty.

Oh but he is.  He wants it all.  He is telling people- mutual friends that he wants me to be homeless and destitute.  He laughs while speaking of such things.  Apparently he is not grateful for his one little humble house- or the fact that for three years he has paid less to live in it than you can rent a single room for in this town.  He sees me as standing between him and living here for free.  Hell, even profiting from it.  His greed and pettiness make me sad.  I pity him.  His hate of me all revolves around money- and his lack of it.  Life is too short and too precious for this.

Then there is Ian, who has made it abundantly clear that I can not and should not count on him.  If I lose my home, he will not be following me if I have to move away from Austin.  He isn't even necessarily willing to continue to live with me even if I stay in town.  We had a serious conversation the other night where he said he thinks it is foolish for two people to plan their lives so intricately together. He said that even though he cares for me, he has a feeling our relationship is getting ready to come to a conclusion, due to the upheaval brought on by my looming divorce.  So while I could really use a partner right now- some since of stability within the chaos- my own boyfriend is not willing to provide it.

 It is difficult for me to be with someone who fundamentally doesn't believe in "love" or the benefits of a committed relationship.  I'm not giving up on him yet- but it has finally sunk in that I will never be truly satisfied in this- I want to give 100% of myself to someone and I want them to not only truly appreciate me, but reciprocate.  I do not believe that you lose yourself in this scenario- I believe you can conquer the world when this happens.  Then again, I am a hopeless romantic. As I exist right now- I am edited down.  Only allowed to give a fraction of what I want to give, and only allowed a fraction in return.  I feel limited.  It feels finite.  It makes my heart hurt.

I am looking for a best friend.  A companion.  Someone to have fun with, sex with, grow with, travel with, learn with, experience all this world has to offer with.  I have so much love to give and it feels like it is all bottled up inside of me.

This has to be the least of my concerns at the moment.  Survival and shelter first.

So, it is the beginning of the end of my life as I know it.  Where I will be when the dust settles is any one's guess.

Thank God for my friends and clients.  They are being so supportive.  Their generosity and kind words are giving me strength and courage to get through this time- easily the most difficult time of my life.

I am wide open.  I am open to the next phase of my life.  I am open to being alone for awhile.  I am open to a new relationship with an emotionally healthy man.  I am open to moving to a new city.  I am open to going home.  I am open to moving to another country. I am open to staying here and keeping my house.  I am open to a new career.  I am open to whatever is for my highest good.  I am riding through this experience, this life lesson, with an open heart and an open mind.  I do not hold fear, animosity, or ill will towards anyone.  Whatever will be will be.