I am feeling a lot like the picture above- stitched and glued together, but just barely. I resemble a person, but I am fragmented.
I promised that I wasn't going to blog about my woes again, but I'm going to anyway. It is therapeutic for me to get it out- and as long as I water these posts down with a bunch of cool art- hopefully it wont turn you guys off too much. I do have a lot of people letting me know that they miss the personal aspect of my old blog. It was a hybrid of my journal and art. I really want this blog to be focused more on art though, and have been limiting/editing out the personal dribble, but sometimes a girl just has to get shit off of her chest. Out of her heart and on to the page.
I am having a life crisis, as you are all well aware. I have always thought of myself as strong- as a survivor/warrior type. Twice now though- I have burst into tears just from the act of being touched. First, it happened when Ian and I were being intimate....and trust me, we weren't doing anything that would make me want to cry. Just the act of being touched in a loving way made me cry. Then yesterday I used a gift certificate I had been given to get a manicure- at a place I had never been before, and when the guy started to massage my hands I burst into tears. So embarrassing!!!
I just keep shoving all of my feelings down. Swallowing them- I am afraid to feel. I don't want to be swept away by the fear. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be angry. So anytime I start to feel anxiety or any negative feelings I immediately distract myself and swallow it down- so it is manifesting itself I guess by causing me to burst into tears at inopportune times. It also surfaces at night when I am trying to sleep. SUCKS.
I am uncomfortable in my own skin. There is a storm brewing just below the surface. I feel myself unraveling. I want to lash out. Actually more than anything I want to know that someone cares. I want to know that how I feel and what happens to me matters to someone. I think that is why the mere act of being touched is my undoing.
I don't know how I am going to survive the next few months. My immune system is compromised from the stress- I keep getting sick with every cold and bug- and I normally don't get sick that often. If I don't get hypertension, high blood pressure, a heart attack or an ulcer from this it will be considered a miracle.