March 1, 2013

I am feeling a lot like the picture above- stitched and glued together, but just barely.  I resemble a person, but I am fragmented. 

I promised that I wasn't going to blog about my woes again, but I'm going to anyway.  It is therapeutic for me to get it out- and as long as I water these posts down with a bunch of cool art- hopefully it wont turn you guys off too much.  I do have a lot of people letting me know that they miss the personal aspect of my old blog.  It was a hybrid of my journal and art.  I really want this blog to be focused more on art though, and have been limiting/editing out the personal dribble, but sometimes a girl just has to get shit off of her chest.  Out of her heart and on to the page.

I am having a life crisis, as you are all well aware.  I have always thought of myself as strong- as a survivor/warrior type.  Twice now though- I have burst into tears just from the act of being touched.  First, it happened when Ian and I were being intimate....and trust me, we weren't doing anything that would make me  want to cry.  Just the act of being touched in a loving way made me cry. Then yesterday I used a gift certificate I had been given to get a manicure- at a place I had never been before, and when the guy started to massage my hands I burst into tears.  So embarrassing!!!

I just keep shoving all of my feelings down.  Swallowing them- I am afraid to feel.  I don't want to be swept away by the fear.  I don't want to be sad.  I don't want to be angry.  So anytime I start to feel anxiety or any negative feelings I immediately distract myself and swallow it down- so it is manifesting itself I guess by causing me to burst into tears at inopportune times. It also surfaces at night when I am trying to sleep.  SUCKS.

I am uncomfortable in my own skin.  There is a storm brewing just below the surface.  I feel myself unraveling.  I want to lash out.  Actually more than anything I want to know that someone cares.  I want to know that how I feel and what happens to me matters to someone.  I think that is why the mere act of being touched is my undoing.

I don't know how I am going to survive the next few months.  My immune system is compromised from the stress- I keep getting sick with every cold and bug- and I normally don't get sick that often.  If I don't get hypertension, high blood pressure, a heart attack or an ulcer from this it will be considered a miracle.