January 19, 2013
Trying to be positive
Mark has this animosity built up towards me based solely MONEY. He sees me as "fucking him over" (his words) because I live in this house. Apparently I am holding him back, keeping him down, causing these short comings in his life. My advice to him would be to quit pointing fingers at me and making excuses for why his life looks like it does. I have heard so many men talk about their psycho ex wives and how they acted. That is not me. I harbor no ill will towards him- even in the face of what he is trying to do to me. I have had many women tell me how they would have behaved if they had been in my shoes- and I think Mark dodged a real bullet with me. I never destroyed or damaged his property. I never ran around town spreading rumors or talking smack about him. I never tried to take anything away from him out of spite or greed. I have been easy breezy on him- so much so that he seems to think he can walk all over me now. (News flash dude- you can't.) Our marriage dissolved over money. I am over simplifying here but if you peel the layers of every little petty issue away you are left with money at the core.
I don't even see the man in him anymore. When I catch sight of him all I see is hate and spite and greed all coiled up in a ball of bile. His ugliness that he tries to hide on the inside is all I see now. I feel sorry for him. He doesn't intimidate me one little bit. He will never be happy- even if he ultimately gets his way. His true nature, his true colors are to be hate filled and self loathing and miserable. I lived with him for many years and knew it, but turned a blind eye to it because I loved him at the time. I turned a blind eye to it after we were separated because I am able to forgive and move on. He can not hurt me or touch my life. I will be just fine and prosper and have a great life no matter what the outcome of this drama he is creating is.
Ian has been amazing the last few days. I have quit having any kind of expectations, and that has made ME feel better, anyway. He is being supportive and attentive. I think in situations like these- when the future is completely unclear and uncertain, it can be very hard on a relationship. With a few days to stew on our previous conversation, I understand where he was coming from. I am enjoying "us" in the moment and trying not to fret too much about our future. One day at a time.