December 18, 2012

I am a good person.  I am generous, kind, loving.  I am going to be OK.  I have friends that love me and have my back.  Am I stressed out?  HELL YES.  I am going to stay positive though, I am going to breathe, stay zen, and have faith that I will land on my feet.  2013 is going to be a rebirth and reinvention of my life.  I shook off the fear that was trying to grip me, put on my red combat boots, and braved the holiday shoppers at The Armadillo Art show.
I didn't spend any money, but I thoroughly enjoyed looking at all of the art and listening to the live music. Sahara Smith was performing.  I was kinda in a mental fog- so I didn't take any pictures of anything.  It was nice to get out of the house and be around people who are having a good holiday season, spending time with family and loved ones.  I am PMSing- I am sad that I can't afford to be with my family during the holidays, I miss Ian- but even if he was home I doubt he would know what to do with me at the moment.  I feel needy.  I am scared about this divorce process.  I want to keep my silly little house and I am so afraid I won't get to.  I am so afraid of being homeless and jobless.

I tried really hard to snap out of it.  Being around all of that expensive jewelry and art that I couldn't buy wasn't cutting it- so I came home and wrapped Ian's Christmas gifts.  That made me feel better.  I love giving gifts- I get as much joy from it as getting them.  I could not spend much this year but all of the gifts are thoughtful and I know he will love them.
Then I took Stella for a walk.  We never do that- so she was excited and it felt good to get some fresh air pumped into my lungs.  I am making a promise to myself that I will use healthy behaviors to deal with the stress that is setting in.