February 17, 2013

Crazy Rant. Stay Away.

This is an epic tome of bullshit.  I am being a completely self indulgent fool to even be posting it.

I am fucking DEPRESSED.  I'm gonna say it this one time- and then I will not post about it again.  But damn.  I am wearing a plastic face all day long.  I am so tired of telling my story.  I'm like some shitty Lifetime movie at the moment.  I am awed by the generosity - each person lifts my heart and I think that is what is keeping me from completely cracking.  I am hanging onto it like life support.  Must not fail everyone.   Must not fail in front of everyone?   How much should I chastise myself for having an ego at this point?

 There is another layer of deep sadness in this too.  Some people- who I thought I could count on, have been completely absent.  Not even a phone call or a text to see how I am fairing.  I think I understand why, though.  I have been flaky at best in checking in.  But if one of them reached out to me- I would be there.

It just makes me realize that timing is everything.  I stood at a crossroads almost two years ago now, and I had a decision to make. Which do I enter, should I walk through door one?  Or door two?

I chose, and the other door closed.

It is hard to live a life without a few "what ifs " popping up every now and again.

I feel directionless.  Immobilized by fear.  Fear of not being in control.  Maybe I mean the opposite of that.  Maybe I fear being in control?  You see the level to which I have thought myself into a pit.

I have no fucking clue where I will be 3 months from now.  I walk this tight rope between trying to focus on all of this bullshit, and fighting, not rolling over and playing dead, yet thinking I need an exit strategy.  Gee, what kind of exit can I make with no money.   Oh sure- I can move straight to Brooklyn.  Nothing like knowingly jumping head first into the fire.

I can live in my mothers basement.  In Minneapolis.  Yay..........This really is rock bottom.

So I am constantly torn as to what my focus should be.  I am retreating into my head.  That is never a good sign.  That is my survival mode.  My vision becomes tunneled.  I have no periphery.  I can't listen to music right now because I don't have a computer.  I usually listen to tons of music when I'm in this space.  I have been trying to stay numb. Distracted from time to think.  Must not think.  Thinking brings an onslaught of fear.  It oozes through me like snakes. I feel Transparent.  A raw nerve.  Sparks just below the surface.  Constant mantra to stay calm. Keep your cool.  Stay calm.  Keep your cool.  Don't go giving up on this life just yet.  But, taking 4 Valium to get to sleep sounds reasonable?  Doesn't it?

I have no one to talk to.  I mean sure, I could bug a number of people, but who the hell really wants to go through this with me?  No one.  I completely understand that.  It sucks.

I really really love my little house.  I painted every square inch of it   I have made this imperfect space mine and if I had ever been given clearance that I wasn't gonna get kicked out, there is so much more I planned to do with it.

 I most certainly have learned that you should be careful whom you invite into your nest.  I have also learned to never ever combined your life so fully with another person to the point that they can control your very happiness.  I will only create situations where I will be able to walk out 100% on my own terms in all future endeavors.  If I ever manage to dig myself out of this fucked up mess.

I don't want to become bitter. I like that I still believe in love.  I like that my heart still swells.  The ebb and tide.  The swooning falling bliss.  I feel it every day for the wrong person.  It is a drug I think I am addicted to.  I have been meditating a lot lately on how to turn my heart completely off.  Can I just give up desire altogether?
A lobotomy, you don't say?

Every day I tell myself to quit caring.  To be stone.  To be brittle.  Kill it.  Kill my heart.  It is the biggest fool I have ever met.  It is ridiculously delusional.  I have turned into the very woman that I swore never to emulate.